The One Thing I Left Behind
by Books In the Blood
Summary: When Eggsy asked him what was going through his head in those last terrible moments after he got shot, he was hoping for more than Harry's empty answer of 'nothing'. Eggsy feels despondent and sad about how he feels about Harry until Harry admits that he wasn't entirely truthful about Eggsy's question. As it turns out, Eggsy isn't the only Kingsman with emotions.


_I was leaving nothing behind…._

A Kingsman was supposed to leave behind no ties, to not let their feelings get in the way of their duties…it made their incredibly hard job easier. Maybe some Kingsman were able to do this but Eggsy found he was not capable of this. He didn't even want to think about how much he had thought of Harry since his 'death'. He knew he should have moved on…no matter what happened, a Kingsman was supposed to put the mission first and Eggsy thought he had done well to do just that. But that was the mission….personally…it was a different story. There wasn't a day that had gone by that Eggsy hadn't thought of Harry…not a day went by that he hadn't wished he was there to ask his advice or to help him with something or…just to be there. Maybe no one knew how totally he was affected by all of this; in fact he hoped they weren't. But he was…..it was a pain that never left him. Though Eggsy knew that Harry was tougher, stronger than him, he was still surprised that he could honestly say that he looked back on his life and could say that he was leaving nothing behind. He'd been reluctant to tell Harry how upset he was over the fight he'd had with Tilde because he had been afraid Harry would only lecture him about how he shouldn't have been having a relationship in the first place. But he hadn't…..far from it, Harry had actually encouraged him to make the most with Tilde because Harry had felt his own life was empty and lonely with no one in it.

This should have been uplifting to Eggsy; the last thing he'd wanted was for Harry to tell him off. So why did he feel so…..empty himself? Eggsy sipped the martini Harry had made him and suddenly it tasted bitter.

"That must not be entirely true" Eggsy reasoned, "What about all that life flashing before your eyes nonsense everyone's always talking about?"

Harry's eyes fell, not meeting Eggsy's. "It's a myth…..it doesn't happen" Harry said. His voice shook a bit, as if to betray emotion but it was only a moment and then it was over. He was completely steady as he spoke again. "Well, perhaps it does happen for some people but it didn't happen to me. Maybe it was because I was leaving no one behind. If I left behind family or friends that I would miss, maybe I would have seen them flash before my eyes."

 _You were leaving ME behind…._ Eggsy didn't know where the thought came from but it burst into his head nonetheless and he couldn't make it go away now that it was there. His stomach felt tight and sick as those words rebounded in his head.

"Surely there was someone you missed" Eggsy said, forcing a smile despite the fact he didn't want to. _Please say you missed me…..please say you missed me…._ reverberated through his head, desperately, almost angrily.

"No, there wasn't…but that was entirely my own fault" Harry said, matter -of-factly, giving almost no time to the thought. "I had no one to miss because I did not spend any time cultivating relationships. I lived entirely for the work."

Eggsy couldn't meet Harry's eyes. He found himself staring at Harry's overly polished shoes, a sick, tired feeling gathering behind his eyes he refused to acknowledge as on coming tears. He was NOT going to cry but he WAS sad. Eggsy couldn't deny he had missed Harry; even if no one knew the extent of his grief they did know he missed him. But Harry hadn't missed him…he'd long known he cared more for Harry than Harry had cared for him but to not even have thought of him at all in his dying moments…..to not consider him someone he would miss? Eggsy felt like an egomaniac even to think he should have occupied Harry's thoughts in such an important moment but he had, hadn't he?

Harry must have misunderstood Eggsy's sadness because he elbowed him gently. When Eggsy looked at him, he was smiling slightly. "But that isn't going to happen to you. We're going to help Tilde and you will make things better with her, won't you?"

Harry looked so happy, so hopeful that Eggsy couldn't argue or say anything against him. And he DID want that; of course he wanted to save Tilde and make amends with her. It was just, at the moment, he wanted something else….All of a sudden Eggsy couldn't help but feel just as he had the moment he had found Harry again. Seeing him on the other side of that glass room, alive and well, his heart had leapt with joy and hope. As he had rushed forward toward Harry, arms open for a hug that was not returned those hopes had been dashed as quickly as they had been born. As hard as it had been to look into Harry's eyes and see that he had no memory of him, it wasn't as hard as accepting the realization that even with his memory he didn't mean as much to Harry as Harry meant to him.

"Yeah…..course we will" Eggsy said, doing his best to sound hopeful. "We're the best hope anyone's got"

Harry smiled, obviously hopeful; all Eggsy could do was finish his martini in one gulp despite the fact that it felt sour in his stomach. Without another word, Eggsy walked away, seeking to be as far away from Harry as he could get on this small plane. He was almost to the door when Harry spoke up.

"Eggsy? Are you sure you're alright?"he asked, concern showing he'd seen more than Eggsy had hoped he had.

What could Eggsy say? That he was upset Harry didn't think of him in his dying moments? That he wanted to mean something to Harry? That he wanted some kind of love from Harry? It was utterly ridiculous.

"Yeah…..'m fine" Eggsy muttered before fleeing to the other room of the plane. He stomped off alone, throwing himself into a chair and staring out the window…part of him hoped that Harry would follow him like a spoiled child but knowing that he wouldn't.

And unfortunately, he was right.

Harry didn't follow him and Eggsy was left to do nothing but stare out the window and try to process his feelings.

When Eggsy had told Harry that he was like a butterfly, nothing but caterpillar (not a grub, Harry had been sure to correct him) before he came along, he meant it. He was just floating…drifting…looking for meaning in a life that seemed meaningless. When Harry had come along and trained him, made him a Kingsman, he had found his meaning and purpose; he was a caterpillar that had been transformed to a butterfly. And as much as that was true for his professional potential, that was also true of his personal potential as well. Sure, he'd cared for people in his life; his mum, his sister, his friends…but there was a hole, an emptiness in him that no amount of girls ever seemed to satisfy. Maybe that was because it went deeper than that kind of affection…..staring into the glass of the plane's window, he found he couldn't even meet his own eyes. Maybe he wanted someone to care for him, not because of what he could do but because of who he was…He didn't see Harry as a surrogate parent because that would just be too messed up to admit, but he knew he did long for Harry's approval and he longed to be wanted.

It was his own fault for believing that Harry might care about him. Eggsy was emotional, despite the fact that he hid it well; he cared about people, often when they didn't care about him. Harry was obviously exactly what a Kingsman should be…he kept his emotions in check and didn't get emotional about those around him. Eggsy, obviously, was not. While he was glad that Harry didn't lecture him about how he shouldn't be in a relationship when he told him about what was going on with Tilde like he thought he would, he would have preferred to have heard a lecture if only it meant that Harry would eventually admit that he had missed Eggsy in some way.

Eggsy must have drifted off in to sleep in his thoughts because the next thing he knew, his face was pressed against cold glass and he was being shaken awake. Eggsy jumped, shaking, hyper alert….his heart was hammering in his chest before his eyes came to fall on Harry who was sitting next to him, shaking him awake. Instantly, he could tell that something was different about Harry, though he didn't sense that there was any danger. He could still feel the gentle hum of the plane and based on how high they were there were nowhere near their destination.

"What…..what is it?" Eggsy said, sitting up and shrugging off sleep as quickly as he could, studying Harry's face. The thoughts that had been swirling through his mind just before he'd gone to sleep rushed to the fore front of his consciousness and he felt unduly embarrassed.

"I wanted to…talk….to talk to you…..about earlier" Harry said, uncharacteristically stumbling over his words and looking embarrassed which Eggsy felt uneasy just seeing since it was so unusual. "I know you were…l know you were upset-"

Eggsy felt a rush of color come to his cheeks; was he that transparent? He'd thought he'd done relatively well to hide how he felt but if Harry noticed it and, even worse, felt the need to bring it up. "No….no….Harry, I'm fine" Eggsy said hurriedly, trying to smile to hide his embarrassment, "There's really nothing to talk about"

Eggsy expected this to be enough; Harry wasn't known for pushing conversation, especially when it came to emotions but, to Eggsy's horror, it wasn't.

"Eggsy, don't try to dismiss this. I know you were…bothered…..by our conversation" Harry plowed on, "I have something I feel you need to know"

Sweat popped up across Eggsy's body as his heart began to thump against his chest. What was Harry going to say? Point out that Eggsy was being too emotional? Tell him to get a grip on himself? Ask him why he was so attached to him? Eggsy shuddered to think of any of it…And what would he say to any of that anyway? Eggsy didn't even know what he was feeling himself, much less how to explain it to Harry.

"This REALLY isn't necessary" Eggsy said, rising from his seat and pushing past Harry. Squinting as he studied Harry, "Are you seeing the butterflies again?"

Eggsy hated to accuse Harry of drifting off again but Harry didn't seem to be himself; Eggsy tried to look for the signs of Harry's mind drifting away but even as he asked about it, he knew that it wasn't true. When Eggsy forced himself to look into Harry' eyes, they were clear and focused; he was seeing Eggsy, not some far away butterflies.

"I'm not seeing butterflies, Eggsy" Harry said, slight frustration showing across his face.

Eggsy had turned to flee but before he could Harry had grabbed him roughly by the arm and turned him round. Harry's grip on him was so hard that he wouldn't have been able to get away if he wanted to but he was frozen on the spot anyway. Looking up at Harry, all embarrassment faded from the fore front of his memory and all fight left him.

"I lied to you!" Harry said with feeling that flushed his cheeks.

Again, Harry's eyes were focused completely on Eggsy's; he tried to think of something to say but before he could even process what he should say next Harry was plowing on again.

"I don't know why I did….I'm not used to being so…..emotional" Harry said, obviously struggling with his words, "I meant what I said, part of it at least."

"What do you mean? You're not making much sense" Eggsy said, aware of each of Harry's fingers digging into his arm.

Sweat was starting to bead along Harry's forehead, matching Eggsy's. "I meant what I said when I said that felt empty when I thought of all of the relationships I didn't take the time to cultivate" Harry explained. "But I lied when I said that nothing flashed through my mind at all as I lay there alone and dying. I thought of you"

Eggsy's breath caught in his chest; for a moment, everything seemed to stop. It was what he had wanted to hear so short a time ago but his mind seemed to stall, afraid of thinking what might come next. He was too afraid of getting his hopes and having them dashed but alternately he was worried about thinking of any other possibility too…..feeling too flaky to say anything, Eggsy was frozen. Luckily, Harry continued without comment.

"I told you that I didn't think of anything because I was too cowardly to admit it" Harry plowed own, his voice gaining speed and courage as he spoke, sounding more like himself. "At first there was nothing…..nothing but the primal sense of fear. But after that, I started to think about you."

"But…..why?" Eggsy couldn't help himself from saying. As much as Eggsy wanted Harry to be thinking about him, to be concerned about him, to have enough feeling about him to have felt something, anything in his last moments, he couldn't understand why he would have.

"Because…..despite my own best efforts, I cared for you more than I ever intended" Harry said, with a slight laugh. "That's not to say you were undeserving…I was just so used to pushing people away and not noticing their potential…when it came to you that wasn't true."

Harry had released his hold on Eggsy's arm but he wasn't going anywhere. He was hanging on every word. As much as he secretly craved approval, he wasn't going to miss a word.

"You were just another recruit….at least that's what I led myself to believe" Harry said, emotion crossing his face. "No matter how much I went beyond when it came to you, I believed you were just another Kingsman recruit. I didn't think I was doing anything different when it came to you….I didn't want to believe that you were different…..but you were…..I didn't realize it though until that moment….."

"I wasn't used to caring so much" Harry plowed on. "But in that moment, when there was nothing but certain darkness, emptiness…..fear. When I knew I was dying, I thought of you"

"You…..you did?" Eggsy asked. It was so hard to believe and Eggsy couldn't help the pounding, racing of his heart making him feel slightly dizzy. It was what he had wanted to hear and for a moment, hope rose in his heart and made all those lonely, empty days where he missed Harry so much almost worth it.

"Of course I did…I know you sell yourself short, Eggsy" Harry said with a slight, knowing grin, "I know that you think less of yourself than you should but you're a good man and you shouldn't. I don't…as I lay there, I kept thinking how I should have told you that, that I should have told you how much I cared and didn't have time. I kept thinking if I'd had time, I would have told you. And then, the opportunity comes up and I lie to you. Ironically enough, you asked me directly if I thought of anything in those last moments and I was a coward because I couldn't tell you."

Eggsy tried to force his mouth to speak but he felt like he couldn't. His head was swirling with so many words, so many revelations that it was almost too much to speak. The silence had obviously drug on too long because Harry's face fell. He was pretty good at hiding it; a slight down turn of his mouth, a slight drifting of his eyes…but Eggsy knew he well enough that he noticed it.

"I know it probably doesn't make sense" Harry said, only the slightest note of self-pity in his words as his eyes no longer met Eggsy's. "But when I kept thinking of you I kept imaging you as that little boy. That lost little boy I had to tell his father had died…And I don't know why I thought that. Because that's not you at all anymore. You're not lost, you're not helpless…I kept worrying how you'd fare without me but that's ridiculous because you're a full grown man, a very capable Kingsman who can take care of himself, personally and professionally"

 _But I can't….._ the words rang through Eggsy's head and though they were desperate, needy words that he normally would have fought, this time he didn't. He wasn't strong, at least not as strong as he pretended to be. He wasn't capable, at least not as much as people thought he was. And he knew one thing for certain; he DID need Harry.

"But I'm not….."Eggsy found himself saying, despite himself, his sudden neediness a perfect cure for his silence. When Harry gave him a curious look, surprised and maybe a bit confused, Eggsy plowed on. "I mean…yeah I am a Kingman and I am an adult…I suppose I can take care of myself but I wasn't okay without you. I do need you…Harry…..if you could only know how much I missed you while you were gone. Not a day passed that I didn't think about….that I didn't wish so much that you were there…"

Eggsy realized that he was holding his breath; he watched Harry who didn't say anything. Just as he was feeling that he might have gone too far…..that he might have revealed too much about himself, Eggsy felt himself swept into a hug that made the world seem like it stopped.

Harry had hugged him before but it wasn't like this. This wasn't a small embrace, one to comfort him or to indulge the need for a touch that Harry seemed to be above. This was a desperate, strong hold that resonated with Eggsy's very being. Harry seemed to rush at him faster than he could realize and then there was strong, sure arms around him. He could feel Harry's warmth and his heartbeat against his own chest and simply felt… _protected._  
Harry clung to him like he wanted nothing but to hug him and Eggsy was sure that he had never felt so small and safe since he was a child. The realization that Harry was here, alive and well, and that he needed him as much as Eggsy needed him was almost enough to make the swelling of emotion in Eggsy's throat and eyes come out in tears. Sometimes you simply didn't know what you needed until you had it and Eggsy knew in that moment that what he had needed, for perhaps longer than he knew, was just this.

"I thought it was just me" Harry said, his voice so quiet that Eggsy wasn't sure he would have heard it if he wasn't so close. "I didn't want you to suffer but I am glad that it wasn't just me"

Harry tightened his hug slightly and Eggsy couldn't resist squeezing back harder; there wasn't any chance that he was going to let Harry go any time soon.

"It definitely wasn't just you…" Eggsy said. Closing his eyes as his face was hidden against Harry's chest, a smile on his face and contentment in his heart, he was sure for the first time in a long time that he was home.


End file.
